2013 in Retrospect: The Man I Love (1)

I am a crazy lover of Jesus.

I detested that phrase. I hated the idea of losing oneself because love. Honestly, I am a mind over heart person and I can force myself to end my feelings for a person if I found it irrational or inconvenient. I found it foolish and I couldn’t grasp the idea why people would do such a stupid thing. I could never understand why people would throw away their lives and their dreams just for the person they love. But before I knew and realized it for myself, I became a crazy lover of Jesus.

ManI came up with this phrase near the end of 2013, during the time I was deciding to go to the Full-Time Training in Malabon. I think about this phrase while I’m on my way to school/ work, on my way home, and whenever I can’t get to sleep. Ever since I came up with this phrase, I spent every idle time I had into finishing it into something. It wasn’t easy and had put a lot of effort into this. Back then, I don’t know what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it until a few nights ago. That night I had a very hard time sleeping, then I remembered reading somewhere that your creative juices are more effective late at night. So I thought about this phrase again and spent hours until early morning before I was able to finish it – what I think it is or a rough draft of it. I don’t know how you should call it but you decide.

Man2I realized that I became a crazy lover of Jesus when I wanted to go to the Full-Time Training in Malabon. For those of you who don’t know, Full-Time Training is:

A two year post-graduate program. Designed upon the four pillars of truth, life, gospel, and service, the FTTM recognizes that Christians need training to experience and enjoy the Lord’s riches in full. It develops one’s love and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by fellowshipping, praying, enjoying God’s word, and dealing with the things that do not meet the standard of God. This training provides a unique atmosphere for vital, functioning, and overcoming members of the Body of Christ for the fulfillment of God’s eternal purpose.

“Draw me; we will run after You”

My family and friends thought I was crazy when I told them I wanted to go to the Full-Time Training. They thought I will be wasting away my future and my time in the Full-Time Training. However, for me it’s a time worth giving. To me it was just only 2 years, 2 years of my whole 85 years (if I ever live that long) and why not offer it to the Lord? If you think about it, the 2 years in the training is incomparable to the life and love God, the Lord Jesus, did and gave to us.

However, it breaks my heart to say I wasn’t blessed to enter the Full-Time Training last year. I was mad at the Lord for not accepting my “love offering”. I was heartbroken and cried for months. But, not being able to not go to the Full-Time Training isn’t such a bad thing. I got to know myself more and understand the Lord more. I was able to experience the Lord and had hundreds and thousands of conversations with Him. I realized that as a lover of Christ, I should always ask whether what I’m doing is for my sake or for the Lord’s sake. We should realize that  everything is for the Lord’s sake. Nothing that the Lord does for us and does not do for us and whatever the Lord gives us and does not give to us should bother us.

The way the Lord leads isn’t the same for everyone. The secret is to have thousands of conversations with the Lord and you will know where the Lord is leading you. God is sovereign and he knows what is best for us. I believe that we all are called to joined the training but when, where, and how is up to Him and us to answer His call. Deep within me I still want to enter the Full-Time Training and the Lord knows and appreciates my desire to go. As to when I will go to the Full-Time Training, only God knows. I pray for all of you to be able to go and may you as well remember me in your prayers.

Jacques

 

 

© Jacques Ong. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of my poem without express and written permission is strictly prohibited.

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